Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
