how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
