I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
