i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Mom said you looked used
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
