that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
