Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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