Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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