some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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