things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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