I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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