Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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