We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
