So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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