And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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