found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
