I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
