Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need water and some morals
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
