I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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