it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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