i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
