You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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