Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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