bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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