Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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