i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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