One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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