btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
