First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
