Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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