my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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