ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she smelled like a LAN party
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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