some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
