You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
