Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
