I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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