dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
