it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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