Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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