Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
