my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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