See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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