You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
