Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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