Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
40s are totally the cure
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
