I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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