Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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