Barsexuality is the new black.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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