He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
