Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
