benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
