why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
