The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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