please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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