8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
