Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
