I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
