I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
